lately I kind of got lost in my own thoughts, so I decided to write a little memo to keep to myself. But i ended up sharing it today.
Maybe there is someone out there who happens to have the same thoughts, feelings as me.
I have not trade any of my thoughts; I have just written them out.
I hope it doesn’t confuses you as much it does to me.
What am I doing here? Am I in the right place? Is this the place I’ve always dreamed of? What if I was wrong? Was I Wrong about quitting Science University? Does it make my dad right, when he said “One day you’ll regret quitting science university to go to Fine Art’s school “? Was I too young to make such a choice? Or I only had no choice? Is this regret? But, for what? Or is it ambition, craving for more? What if it’s just some temporary feelings phase that I’m going through? And soon it’ll be over.
But what if doesn’t end? It has already taken 2 years from me, what if it keeps taking more?
All I have is doubts, doubts, and doubts… more questions, more hallucination. It doesn’t stop, not for a second.
I get it; I see the difference between what they do, and what I do. I see why they’re moving forward. They don’t spend their whole time asking themselves stupid crazy questions, they don’t analyze everything around them, and they don’t count their time, their failures, and their loss. They just do what they have to do, what they are asked, and supposed to do. In the end of the day, they go home, rest.
I keep asking questions.
And the next day, they will wake up, go to work or school and fulfill their day, and that’s it. Is it the right way? I don’t know, probably.
I mean I totally understand there is a schedule to follow, activities to do, a plan for each day. Not that I spend the whole day just sleeping or contemplating the walls, thinking, thinking and thinking… God how much I started to hate that word.
I have my own schedule too. But why would I stand shocked, head full or racing thoughts and suffocating questions in the middle of what was supposed to be my favorite class, and freeze for a quite long while? Not understanding nor believing in what I do.
Is it me or everyone? Please say there is someone having the same shit that’s going through my mind.
What if I’m truly in the wrong place? Could it be possible? What if I had made a bad decision for the second time? But if so where do I truly belong then? Belong? If not here, then I don’t belong anywhere. How am I supposed to move with all this in my head?
But…Some people did achieve what they wanted, they worked hard, they believed, and just fought with all their heart for their dream. Why not me then? I work hard; I believed (but no longer do). The problem is I don’t know what I want, and the worst part is that I’m not even sure that I want something. How can I be able to move when I don’t even know where I’m, when I don’t have a goal to reach?
A lot of people would advice me to take a break, go on vacations, to clear my mind. I tried, and I keep on trying every day. However, for how long am I going to take breaks and runaway from my reality? For how long am I going to hide? Till losing everything, till losing friends, family, career… How would I feel then? Pain? Hurt?
For once I just need to feel empty…
Welcome to my mind.