Lost in a hurricane of thoughts

lately I kind of got lost in my own thoughts, so I decided to write a little memo to keep to myself. But i ended up sharing it today.

Maybe there is someone out there who happens to have the same thoughts, feelings as me.

I have not trade any of my thoughts; I have just written them out.

I hope it doesn’t confuses you as much it does to me.

 13-05-2013

   What am I doing here? Am I in the right place? Is this the place I’ve always dreamed of? What if I was wrong? Was I Wrong about quitting Science University? Does it make my dad right, when he said “One day you’ll regret quitting science university to go to Fine Art’s school “? Was I too young to make such a choice? Or I only had no choice?  Is this regret? But, for what? Or is it ambition, craving for more? What if it’s just some temporary feelings phase that I’m going through? And soon it’ll be over.

But what if doesn’t end? It has already taken 2 years from me, what if it keeps taking more?

All I have is doubts, doubts, and doubts… more questions, more hallucination. It doesn’t stop, not for a second.

I get it; I see the difference between what they do, and what I do. I see why they’re moving forward. They don’t spend their whole time asking themselves stupid crazy questions, they don’t analyze everything around them, and they don’t count their time, their failures, and their loss. They just do what they have to do, what they are asked, and supposed to do. In the end of the day, they go home, rest.

I keep asking questions.

They don’t.

And the next day, they will wake up, go to work or school and fulfill their day, and that’s it. Is it the right way? I don’t know, probably.

I mean I totally understand there is a schedule to follow, activities to do, a plan for each day. Not that I spend the whole day just sleeping or contemplating the walls, thinking, thinking and thinking… God how much I started to hate that word.

I have my own schedule too. But why would I stand shocked, head full or racing thoughts and suffocating questions in the middle of what was supposed to be my favorite class, and freeze for a quite long while? Not understanding nor believing in what I do.

Is it me or everyone? Please say there is someone having the same shit that’s going through my mind.

What if I’m truly in the wrong place? Could it be possible? What if I had made a bad decision for the second time? But if so where do I truly belong then? Belong? If not here, then I don’t belong anywhere. How am I supposed to move with all this in my head?

But…Some people did achieve what they wanted, they worked hard, they believed, and just fought with all their heart for their dream. Why not me then? I work hard; I believed (but no longer do). The problem is I don’t know what I want, and the worst part is that I’m not even sure that I want something. How can I be able to move when I don’t even know where I’m, when I don’t have a goal to reach?

A lot of people would advice me to take a break, go on vacations, to clear my mind. I tried, and I keep on trying every day. However, for how long am I going to take breaks and runaway from my reality? For how long am I going to hide? Till losing everything, till losing friends, family, career… How would I feel then? Pain? Hurt?

For once I just need to feel empty…

Welcome to my mind.

It is incredible how time flies away so fast, we’re already on April…I guess I haven’t been aware of the timing lately. Actually I’ve never cared about it. But I was wrong, considering all the things I’ve been missing, all the life I haven’t been living. It’s crazy.

 

Tomorrow, I’m going to my home town, well I haven’t decided on that, they did, my parents. Part of me wants to go, and the other part just wants to stay here between those walls, by myself. I’ll talk about those issues of staying alone in some other article, maybe. Now I’ll explain why I can’t decide about going there.

I admit it’s beautiful there, it’s nice, and it’s my town, my own, it is where I belong…all the bullshit. The thing is none of the things I said is true. I mean it’s no longer my own, and no longer where I belong. It’s just happens I was born there. And THAT IS IT. Normally it’s the only place where I shouldn’t feel like a stranger. The problem is that is the only feeling I get every time I go.

Have I change that much that my neighbors, my old friends, my old classmates don’t recognize me no more. Maybe it’s me who doesn’t fit no more. Or maybe they are the ones who had changed. Probably we all did. But so what? Do we have to forget each other? I know life gets us busy, and steal all the time we have. However I don’t think it’s a strong reason to just move on. Is it?

A lot of friends, or more precisely Old friends from there will read this and judge me as a hypocrite…I would say they are just missing a whole big part of the story. So I’m going to give it to them.

After moving from Chefchaouen, and by the way that’s the name of my hometown, I forgot to mention it before. I went to a different city, near, so near to my old one; 60 km away, and I thought that was great, amazing. It would be easy for me to go back whenever I wanted. And I did. For over a year, I used to go so often. Of course we’ll know what is like being new; it’s also being rejected, alone…especially for someone like me, who is not so sociable. So I was so in need of my old friends, I needed their support, their care. And they did stick to me for a while, I was glad. What I was missing is that, it would only take them a few weeks before they completely move on. And replace me with a new person. Not what I was expecting at all.

I couldn’t do the same thing, because I was more in need of them, also for the simplest reason I don’t just forget my friends. So I kept trying to stay in touch with them. I did everything I could but they kept pushing me away. By that time I had made new friends where I live. But it didn’t stop me from trying harder not to lose the old ones, the ones who shared with me all my childhood.

But as you know everything has an end.

I didn’t know they would give up on me so easily. Now, of course I have my own responsibility on ending that friendship. I’m the one who ended it. I stopped caring; I stopped asking about them, I stopped visiting. I just made them out of my life, and For Good. And since they didn’t try to do something about it, it was over.

Now each one has his own way, we just have a different kind of relationship. They don’t really know me, not even a tiny little piece of me, and either do I. we do hang out sometimes, rarely, and we talk about futility;  things that used to make none sense to us. However it is fine, that’s the way it should be.

 

But I had my lesson.

 

I realized something; if you are trying so hard and you give everything you have to make a relationship work, and still you get nothing, not even a tiny recognition of the big effort, then STOP, right away, JUST STOP. Just walk away for good. You are just wasting your time.

 

 

till next time, 

Jihane

∞

https://www.facebook.com/#!/events/399992110094519/

 from the 1th february to the 14th

No more sugar in your food
no cheating, no bad eating’s habits
Are you able of making a change ?

∞

No matter how hard, how long you try to change things around you, change all the bad things, think to solve problems around you, especially social and society problems…you try your best to make a difference. And you believe in it so hard, you believe that you are good enough, you have enough potential for that…so you push it to the limit. Then one day you wake up and you realize that you can not change all those bleeding things, you can not change the world. that when you realize you have failed.
So we start searching for something to distract us from reality, because we will no longer be able to think of all those complex thoughts. Those bleeding thoughts. Yes, reality is so hard to handle that I am giving it the name of bleeding thoughts.
But truth is they will always be haunting us, always and forever.
And we’ll always be here, present however so helpless, but we mean nothing. We’re no one.

 

jihane,

Mystery of life.

I’ve been thinking about what really matters in life, hoping to find a clue, a way toward happiness. I’m surprised to say there are no big rules, it’s just a couple of choices we make, and from each choice we can conclude a lesson. So here are some of the few things I’ve learned till now.

First thing you should know No one is expecting you to win or to fail. No one cares. Second thing No one will accept any of your excuses!
Life won’t wait for you, time won’t wait, and friends will vanish! It is sort of a challenge, either you play it right, you live it, you sacrifice, you get tired but you keep going, you struggle but don’t complain, you get hurt then you move on… You accept anything and live with it.

Or you play it wrong, you stop and start complaining as if nothing was your fault, knowing that part of it, the big one was your own responsibility!! Giving up, for wasting time maybe, for missing opportunities… And that’s when you lose everything! Till you got nothing left to lose so you lose yourself… You stop existing not just for others but even for yourself!

I’m sure you all know that life is not going to be a big happy adventure, no fairy-tell! I hope you all realize that! I hope you’ve reached that wisdom to realize that! I’m not trying to be wiser, or too serious about life! I’m only 20 years old and probably I should be having fun somewhere but That’s just the way I’m, I like talking or thinking deeply about serious things.. I probably know nothing about what this journey is hiding for me! however I know it will be tough and hard, also sometimes I’ll have no hope, no love, no desire to continue on this game I’m involved in but it’s already late to go back,… So one thing is sure whether it will be joyful or sad, or maybe both, it will be worth it!
I’m not a believer in those classical big happy endings or dreamy life; I’m too realistic for that! I lose every tiny little piece of hope somehow I still know that This thing that is going on, This movie I’m being part of , or I’m being the hero, supposedly ! It is my own, and it is my chance to make it work, so I’ll fight for it! I’ll not just survive; I’ll try to make it perfect, just the way I wanted it to be when I was little!
Talking about perfection, for me it’s just how life should be like! Not happy ending, beautiful stories, or successful carriers for ever… No! Perfection is just fair chances to be or to do what each one has ever dreamed of.

 

I guess that is all  I learned till now; I’ll be sharing more soon.

 

One Last thing, Embrace life, just live it freely and enjoy it in its craziest ways.

 

with all my love,

jihane

it was nearly 5 am i couldn’t sleep, acctually i didn’t want to sleep i was too excited to do so… i felt like jumping, dancing, yelling, laughing hard, i just had too much energy to waste it sleeping.

i was on facebook, and all the social networks, talking to friends, or watching videos…but it just felt too ordinary, and that i wanted more than just those usual things we do everyday.

so i needed to share my excitement with the world, say it loud to everyone.

i went out to my balcony and spent more than 2 hours there, till the sun rises, listening to music and staring at the sky and how it was changing, it inspired me. i was Happy, i was smiling, even laughing… and i loved it how i finally felt different and strong.

the wind was too hard, i was feeling cold but i loved it when it touched my face, i felt blessed.

see, i had all those feelings and i couldn’t stop myself from drawing what i see that you can’t see.

here is the final result, enjoy.

 

well i wasn’t going to post anything today but the feelings got too intense that i couldn’t hide them !

so the only way to let them out was by drawing !

then i thought maybe i should do that more often just to control my mood swings everyday !

and here is the result of today’s feelings…

Your thoughts now, what do you think ? ∞

Mixed mood

Yes, we share the same body. And probably the same heart. But we’re completely different from each other! Is it our mind? Our thoughts: that’s for sure, but does it mean each one has her brain? Or maybe our souls…!? …

All I know is that we’re just a mixed state that NOBODY understands.

 

Please do not ask me to explain, cause i’m not sure i can explain why or what ! but one that is sure, this is everything i feel…

Tell me what do you think ?

what do you see?

Between, those are the hands that you get after using charcoal

Ups and Downs :

It feels weird that no matter how many people you have, surrounded by their love, and their care, you still feel lost and helpless !  Then I think do I really need to stay with them !? Do they need me that much !? Or it’s me who would get completely unknown without them !?  The more I ask myself, the more I get lost and the more I become lonely ! Lonely or alone !? Let’s say that in this exact time I’m not alone, I’m having the best company that I could get. So no reasons for feeling lonely ! But I guess it explains everything it’s not the people that I have around who defines whether I feel loneliness or not ! It’s my being down that pushes me feel that way. So yes I’m lonely !
And it is really hard to explain it everyday to everyone ! It’s almost impossible, no body can understand, they only can imagine how it feels like but not really feel how you feel !
It is hard to explain how I can’t leave my bed at 1:00 pm and how I’d rather stay there for hours doing nothing but staring at the walls, how my body refuses to make a move and how I refuse to see others’s faces ! It’s not that I like sleeping that much but it’s a way to not feel anything, not exist, it’s how I feel a little bit free from all the ups and downs…
It is hard for people to understand my mood swings and how it changed every minute or every second…sometimes it’s the opposite it takes days or weeks. The most important thing is that it’s even harder to accept them. I can’t explain why I get so down, feel tired, sad and depressed and cry my heart out for days. Then with no reasons i turn up into the most excited person in the world, can do whatever sounded really hard when I was down. Either they can get what it feels like having that mixed feeling and feel so confused that it gives me nausea.
they can’t understand how a little change around me can make me so mad, angry and even aggressive. So what do you thing a big change would do to me !? Probably make me lose my mind…
And the problem is even with all those explanations they still have no idea, no idea att all of what it really feels like, I’m giving an image of it but it’s still just an image…besides I’m writing things I want people to know not everything I have inside!

Running away: 
not literally running but I’d rather call it «escaping myself».
The only thing that is stoping me from getting away or running away is those people, those really nice people who had been there for me whenever I needed them. So leaving them wouldn’t be fair! Somehow I get another thought that maybe it’s truth that they really deserve, that they really need and not fairness as Thoreau’s quote says: Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness… give me the truth.

But who am I in anyway to them !?

I’ll tell you exactely who i’m.

I’m that depressed friend, who never stops complaining about her mood troubles between ups and downs, who doesn’t care about if her friends are doing well or not, neither about their mood, i’m that girl who is all the time lost and text her pals to say that she had enough with everything but still be here tomorrow to do the exact same thing once again. History repeated every week or two. Isn’t it too much for them to handle too!? I guess the answer is Yes.
I’m also that daughter who doesn’t do much for her family and sometimes doesn’t even care or much specifically doesn’t show the care, stays the whole day in her bedroom, and in meal’s time doesn’t participate in conversations cause she is so tired or too down that it’s not even giving her the desire to see the members of her family ! Yes that bad daughter is me! I’m not really proud of that ! I have wonderful parents that do more than they can to make me happy, that would give anything to have their daughter back ! But I’m afraid she is gone. Forever !? I really hope not , she used to be a good person…
So do they really need all that !? Do they need to deal with my mood swings everyday !? They must get tired one day !! And NO they don’t need all that, they deserve better than me, much better that what I’m giving them. Wait !? Did I talk about giving something!??! I’m not giving them anything, I’m just making their life harder…
life without me:
Now I put myself out of the cast of this play and be part of the audience ! I see them in tears… I understand their pain, I feel it too…cause I would miss a side of me too. But that side wasn’t enough.
I adored them as well but I couldn’t stay and they knew better! They will end up getting used to my none presence, I never did get close to them in anyway… Then one day they will be ready to move on, I’ll be just a memory in their heart, a good memory with a bad ending.
But here I have those questions once again, why couldn’t I get a better ending !?
A glance of hope is crossing my mind, i fall apart, I’m not sure I can keep it this time!

We only advice people things we wanted to do, or still want to do, wishes that we had one day but in some way we were not able of achieving them.

∞